Simon’s preschool offered a professional photography session last month wherein the kids were invited to dress up in keeping with one of two themes: Boys were to be clad in a white t-shirt and jeans for a “gone to the fishin’ hole” shoot, and girls in fancy purple dresses and wings for a woodland fairy shoot. Faced with this information, Simon declared that he would choose the fairy costume. This seems like a no brainer anyway since a tshirt and jeans isn’t exactly a costume, and besides, Simon goes actual fishing several times a year. Opportunities to flit about as a magical winged creature come about less often.
It did not actually occur to me that he might meet any resistance to his plan, and in truth, there wasn’t much. The photographer apparently tried repeatedly to sway him toward the “boy stuff,” and some of Simon’s own teachers seemed bemused. But he did have a champion or two among his teachers, and so purple fairy he became.
Since posting one of the resulting photos on facebook, I’ve gotten a lot of very kind notes suggesting that I am courageous for letting him be himself. I detest false modesty, so I will generally acknowledge when I have done something fabulous, but in this instance, I genuinely don’t see it. Simon likes to dress up. He likes fairies and Iron-Man, skirts and Transformer masks, Dora and ninjas. I know people often falsely conflate transvestite with transgender and both with being gay. The truth is, Simon does not show any signs of being transgender, and as for being gay, or for someday enjoying cross-dressing, those games are too early to call.
It doesn’t take any courage for me to support his choice to be a fairy. It won’t take any courage for me to accept that he’s gay, if it turns out he is. When I picture my boys’ futures, I confess I imagine them getting married since that’s what I did, but in fifty percent of my daydreams, they’re marrying women, and in the other fifty percent, they’re marrying men. It really makes no difference to me. Transgender would be a higher hurdle since gender is a great deal more fundamental than sexuality, but even that I have entertained and can wrap my head around. There are plenty of things I would struggle with if they came to pass: a schizophrenic son. A son who was alone his whole life. A son who was unwillingly childless. Both sons being childless, willing or not. (I have a hard time with a grandchild-less future.)
That list could wind on and on. But letting him dress like a fairy? No sacrifice at all. And not at all courageous. We love what we love. We love whom we love. It takes no courage for me to let them love what they love. I could not look into those glinting eyes and that little face radiating pure joy and tell him it’s wrong. Nor will I be able to do that if he ever comes to me and tells me he loves another boy. To accept him for what he is takes no courage at all, but is only the barest requirement of parenthood. To reject him, and watch my little boy crumple under that rejection would be cowardice. And, I hope, a far greater measure of it than I possess.
way to go!!!!
Whether or not you want the compliments, I feel inclined to give you one. Too many parents sweat things that should be non-issues. Good for you.
Thanks! I may not deem it courageous, but I will accept compliments on general parenting!
You’re a good human and other good humans agree. Xoxo
You betcha! Nailed it in one if you ask me. Says the person with no children other than four legged ones, of course. You have noticed he is utterly adorable I suppose.
I am inclined to agree with the adorableness assessment.
If more people had your attitude this world might be a little easier to live in. When I was a boy we had a set of very old books that had all sorts of things in them, almost like an encyclopedia. Part of one of the books had a large section on faries, including drawings and paintings, and I was drawn to that one book at an early age. I grew up, married, and had two kids so if it affected me it did so subtly. I say go for it Simon!
Well that gives me hope that he may also develop a keen appreciation for the lichens!
Purple fairy wings trump a plain old T-shirt any day.
Good for you. Too many people these days still take the idea if a kid dressing up too seriously. I know a friend of mine who was raised exclusively in girls clothes (his parents wanted a girl) while I always wore guys clothes and it turns out I’m gay and he is very much straight so there you have it. Also the point about the difference between transgender and transvestite is an important one which a lot of people seem to get confused over.
Thanks! I do think it’s rather liberating when a parent realizes how little control she has over how her kids turn out. I can’t make anyone gay, I can’t make anyone straight, I can’t make anyone trans…and so on. I can only love them, support them, and be a place for them to come home to.
Don’t take this as a complement, since you don’t want complements, take it as a statement of fact. You treasure your kids for who they are- and that is wonderful.
Same to you Emily!
I love this so much! Thank you for sharing. One awesome kid and very cool job of parenting, I must say.
Thank you!
You’ve made me cry.
A lot.
A whole lot.
You see, when I was in Grade 2, my class portrayed the 12 Days of Christmas as a part of our school’s annual pageant. It was 1973. We were very boy-heavy in my grade, and we needed volunteers for boys to be “maids-a-milkin'”. I immediately volunteered and loved every minute of it.
But I was as clever then as I am now (modesty aside), and I readily observed that my enthusiasm made me noteworthy, and not in a good way. I enjoyed my time in my “purple fairy dress with wings”, but I recognized that from that moment on I would have to hide my nature if I was ever to lead any semblance of a normal life.
In that precise moment, my path was fixed and it would take me more than three decades to set it right.
We’re not what we were in the ’70s and I am glad for it. Social change takes time. Happy days are ahead.
Kate, I would have made your path easier if I could have. But you are right, happier days ahead, and we are in the midst of great changes and greater still to come. Thank you for what you’ve done; everyone with the strength to live as their true selves makes it easier for another boy in a purple fairy costume.
I know for a FACT my grandson would have chosen the puple fairy outfit over the t-shirt and jeans. Those photographers wanted to project their own ideas of what an adorable costume is without really thinking about childrens preferences and what they would like. The meeting of unrealistic expectations starts early and its mainly adults making the rules. Not fair at all. It is so gratifying that you understood this and supported him. And that a few of his teachers did as well, because its not really about gender, its about preferences and imagination and art. We ARE making progress!
I am encouraged by our progress as a society too–we’re getting there!
Good for you!!! My eldest son loved rose pink and asked to wear makeup a couple times when he was very young. I let him. At 33 he’s a prison guard, coaches football and about as masculine as you could ask.
HA! You never do know how a kid will turn out.
When I was in 5th grade the my favorite TV show was Charlies Angels. For Halloween myself, my brother and our best friend dressed as the trio of detectives and our moms couldn’t have been more supportive. Thanks for sharing, Parents like you make the world a better place!
Thanks! That must have been a sight! I think my boys would both love being Charlie’s Angels. The guns! The hair!
Why didn’t they have any cool costumes targeted for boys? Superheroes, Star Wars, Doctor Who, etc. Have they never been shopping at Halloween or seen trick-or-treaters?
Sigh. I know. The “boy” costume was so thoroughly lame.
And I think he’s adorable in the fairy costume. If Shakespeare is to be believed, there were boy fairies too. Little Prince Oberon, perhaps?
Exactly what my fellow English majors have all pointed out! Why should fairies be coopted by girls alone?
dress up and imagination should nor be hindered by stereotypes and paranoid fears of fearful parents. Bravo for celebrating your sons true spirit.
[…] Image via The Stagecoach Road. […]
****ing YES. Epic win for Simon. And if anyone suggests otherwise I will personally kick them in the jimmies through TCP/IP.
Truth be told, I would have been one of the girls who wanted to wear the white shirt and jeans. 😉 Gender based “fashion” is silly and it’s sad that schools keep reinforcing it. Thanks for letting your child be who he wants to be!
I would have been too. I was an overalls and sneakers kind of girl all the way through adulthood, pretty much. I would have taken death over a purple fairy costume.
He looks great! Nothing can top a happy child. My son is nine and right now very “boys do this girls do that”. We remind him, gently, that is’t all about the person. Boy or girl is secondary. I agree that things are changing and I really like it.
It really is incredible. I’m reading a book right now with a chapter on transgender, and the progress just since the 70s is amazing. A hopeful sign.
Oh, I love this. (And what fabulous photos! I swoon.)
Thanks! He’s never looked so happy in his whole life. To see such joy in his face, I can’t help but feel the same.
[…] e quando é o oposto? E quando são nossos filhos que querem romper com o papel de gênero e se vestirem de fada, de Daphne, ou serem chamados de Marina? Nas raras vezes em que a) eles não são impedidos de […]
Reblogged this on JerBear's Queer World News, Views & More From The City Different – Santa Fe, NM and commented:
Love this post! It warms this fairy bear’s heart!
Hi… My little guy so wants to be a fairy this year (he’s 4) for Halloween … I am feeling so much pressure and guilt about it..Just wondering since its been a few years how yours is fairing if you would not mind sharing?
absolutely! He wore a skirt off and on for a year or so, mostly at home since the kids at school weren’t really mean about it, but constantly pestered him with questions. At this point, he doesn’t express any interest in any of it anymore, and really only talks about minecraft and Star Wars, but we will talk a lot about why everyone should be allowed to express him or herself however they want, and how there really aren’t “girl things” and “boy things.”
[…] That’s my boy!…I’m fairly certain. […]
You are an amazing mother. I applaud you from the bottom of my heart!
I’m sad to inform you your image is being used by horrible cretins to slur vaccinations as “causing” children to become transgender. I’m not sure what rights you have, but you probably have more than a random stranger on the internet reporting tweets. Here’s a link to at least one offending tweet (I’m inserting spaces so that it isn’t clickable) http s://twitter. com /BGailQu /status /1147545642891431936.
So sorry that this has happened, but given the lovely content of your post, I thought you might want to know and take what steps you can.
If you don’t want to report this, of course, I support you in that decision to. Just informing you and leaving it up to you.
Lovely post!
Thanks Kate! I reposted this blog post in response to that very tweet–to put out the actual context. And the good news is, the woman took the tweet down after copious pressure!
I know you said no compliments but I think it’s wonderful that you accept your children for who they are. Boys are allowed to wear whatever same as girls. It’s all totally okay and perfect.